Twitter,

You know who I am. You know what kind of a person I am. I’m FAMOUS. Nobody is more famous than me. I’m going down in the history books, believe me. I’m a name to remember, folks.

My twitter username has started to mean “greatness” to people. And they’re right. My reputation is even greater than me, which is hard to do!

I’m President of the United States. There has never been a better honor for me to bear. I’m, like, the best president I’ve ever seen. And I don’t know if you all know this, but I’ve seen a lot of presidents. So many, in fact, that they just HAD to put me in charge, just because I had seen so many.

But Twitter, my best and worstest friend, you are TERRIBLE at knowing my intentions. I’ve had my account since what, 2009? So many tweets on your site, and you still haven’t even suspended me. How sad!

You would think that my insults would be reason enough, but hey, I’m only the president! WHAT WOULD I KNOW?

It’s not fair how everyone else gets banned for little things. I want to be banned too! I need a little controversy! If I don’t get suspended, who am I supposed to insult on twitter?

I saw one guy start an argument with me, and sure, I blocked him, whatever. But I used Cohen’s phone to look at that guy’s tweets again, and he had been banned!

If he can get banned for calling me a cheeto (which I am not, I should add), why can’t I get banned for lying about collusion with Russia? What do I need to do, say that I’m actually a spy for Putin? (I’m not, but even if I were, there’s nothing wrong with that!)

You are AWFUL at censoring people. You should be BEGGING me to teach you how to censor people. But you’re not, and you SHOULD BE!

Best regards,
Donald Trump

Wait, what was that? Oh, is Putin on the line? Give me a moment!
Siri, send tweet!

This article should be recognized as satire, and not taken seriously.